Votesplaining

I’m the least qualified person to write this. I’ve never been very interested in politics until this election. Truth be told, I’m writing this to myself…to explain what happened. I’m having a hard time making sense of the election results. I know, logically, that it happened. But I guess I wanted to try to sort out WHY. 

Full disclosure, I’m a Republican who voted for Hillary Clinton. After this election, I’m not honestly sure that I’m still a Republican. I’ll take some time to decide.

What I want to do here is try to talk to friends and family on both sides…and maybe myself. Like I said, I’m not at all qualified to write this. If I were you, I’d ignore this and go back and play Candy Crush.

Also, to be honest, my coffee just kicked in so, here goes:

To my friends and family who supported Trump: Congratulations. Some of you were all in on Trump’s campaign…some voted as a lesser of two evils. In either case, here’s what you need to know to deal with those grieving over the election results: It’s not about losing. I said all along, I fear Donald Trump far less than I fear his followers…the “deplorables” that Hillary famously called out. (That was a HUGE mistake, by the way. I’ll get to that later.)

What my gay, black and minority friends are TERRIFIED about is America returning to a racism and hatred we naively thought was gone. Look around the nation this week. Look at the hate crimes that are occurring. Imagine being a black person once again called the N word. Imagine being a Muslim woman having your hijab pulled off. Imagine feeling like you are no longer welcome in the country in which you were born or had recently become a citizen. THIS is why they/we are grieving the election results. THIS is why they are protesting. (Click on the word THIS to the left for examples.) 

So, here’s what I’m asking: Please ask the president-elect to condemn the senseless acts of violence.  He needs to speak up now or he will lose the electorate. Perhaps sign this petition to demand this. 

And, for the record, I personally, condemn ALL acts of violence whether it’s against minorities or Trump voters. Not cool, America.

Like you, I actually do hope Trump creates all those jobs and sparks an economic revival. But what will a vibrant economy do for those who are dealing with hate crimes? To me, America was always great. I’m for immigration reform, not immigration brutality. Like it or not, we are a nation of immigrants. My grandparents emigrated from Poland. They fled their country to escape oppression by one of the most horrific dictators in history, much like the Syrians are fleeing their war-torn country. 

It's also about the hundreds of thousands who are afraid that they will lose their health insurance. A friend of mine has a sister who is on Obamacare. If it's repealed, because she is a cancer survivor, she's afraid that she won't qualify for insurance. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. 

It’s about climate change. Many of you are global warming deniers. But many of those who voted for Hillary Clinton hoped that we would continue on a path that would, hopefully, preserve the environment for our children and grandchildren. That now seems all but impossible. One of my kids texted me this: “I would be more ok if it weren't for erasing all of our progress on climate change, basically dooming my future kids.”

Also, I get why you might be pissed about the demonstrations. I, too, wonder if it might be a tad hypocritical to protest when Democrats were beside themselves when Trump said he might accept the results only if he won. But peaceful protest is, literally, the constitutional right of all Americans. What they are protesting is the hatred seemingly allowed and encouraged by Donald Trump. They are protesting an America that seems willing to allow racism, sexism, sexual assault (it’s NOT “locker room talk”), misogyny, homophobia and anything that tells people of a vulnerable population – you are not worthy. THAT is what is being protested. If you're not part of that vulnerable population, you probably don't understand.

Also, stop telling people to “move on.” When you feel like suddenly your nation isn’t the free and open and accepting country you thought it was, this is a tough, tough pill to swallow. Instead, listen to what concerns them. Reach out to them instead of dismissing them.

To my friends and family who supported Clinton: Shit. Talk about a blindside. Most of you were Democrats, but many of you were Republicans, willing to take a leap of faith for a historic moment – a woman president. Well, we got history, just not the history we wanted.

Here’s what you need to know about those who voted for Trump – many, many, MANY of them did it for one reason – abortion. They voted for someone who said he’s anti-abortion. They want to save unborn babies. That’s right - humans who have not yet left the womb. To them, for many reasons, they will ignore everything else to save children. It was about Supreme Court vacancies and saving babies. You can scoff, if you want, but they (and I, to be perfectly transparent) believe very strongly in this, just as you believe very strongly in women’s reproductive rights.

Also, Hillary ignored blue-collar rural voters. I think she got caught up in the dazzling celebrities (Beyonce, Bon Jovi, Springsteen) who stumped for her campaign. In every city she went to, famous people were on stage with her. That’s the problem. America is made up of a lot of anonymous people spread far and wide. These people, who felt that they had been called “deplorable,” were working hard on their farms or going back to school after their factories had closed. They felt dismissed by the Democrats because they weren’t the shiny pennies that Democratic voters were. They were dirty, worn pennies that sit in the bottom of pockets. While you were trying to ignore Trump, he was reaching out to them with promises of jobs and a better world.

Back to the “deplorable” thing: When Hillary first said it, I was stunned. I know she was TRYING to say that she condemns racism and sexism and homophobia and hatred…but the people who wondered if Trump could actually be viable felt enraged. Here was this career politician, who may or may not have been personally responsible for the deaths of Americans in Benghazi, calling voters deplorable. If she won, she’d be their president too. Never a good move.   

If we're honest with ourselves, we know that Hillary was already an imperfect candidate. She had a LOT of baggage. Think back to the beginning of the campaign – she wasn’t a home run. But as the campaign gained steam, we all forgot about the issues that a lot of other voters couldn’t forget. I read yesterday that Hillary blamed FBI Director Comey for stopping the momentum of the campaign. If she believes that, she’s delusional. I don’t think the second letter truly changed anyone’s mind. We had two very polarizing candidates. One just had a slightly stronger voter base.

I’m going to end this whole thing with the speech from the end of the 1940 Charlie Chaplin film “The Great Dictator." It’s a beautiful speech that everyone should hear: 

Stay strong, everyone. Do better. Reach across the aisle. Listen with open ears and open eyes.  Love one another.

Stop Nostalgia Shaming

I’m nearly 56 years old. I’m technically a baby boomer. I grew up before the internet and cell phones. I remember black & white TV with three, MAYBE four channels…and no remote control. As a child, I rode my bike without a helmet. When my parents wanted me to come home, my Dad would whistle…loudly. I played the music I liked on records (we didn’t call it vinyl) and hoped to hear it on the radio. If I got in trouble at school, my parents would likely believe the teachers instead of me. Blah, blah, blah….

This is for old people like me: STOP NOSTALGIA SHAMING. Stop telling young people that the way things were done in your youth is better than the way things are done now. I’m tired of hearing it and it’s making your kids and their kids tune you out and it's making you sound old. Just because it was great when you were young, doesn’t mean it’s the right way or the only way.

You know what? My childhood was pretty good, but it’s not better than my kids’ childhood or my theoretical grandchildren’s childhood. (Still hoping those will exist someday.) Why do the middle-aged and elderly think that because their telephone had a cord and they had to see their friends IN PERSON that they had better phone calls, friendships or relationships?

News flash: Things change. Some get better. Some get worse. Stop telling young people that the newfangled way of doing things is bad, confusing, worse, misguided, artificial, impersonal…in other words, STOP JUDGING.

Look, I get it. Nobody likes change. We all get snuggled in our comfort zone. Change is confusing and difficult. But we older people should embrace change…at least the idea of it. It’s OK to not like the new version of something. But don’t tell people who like it that they’re wrong or bad.

Maybe there are too many selfies in this world. But maybe it would be cool to look back in 40 years on those selfies. Maybe there’s too much sharing on social media. But maybe being able to share helps a new mom or a depressed teen feel a tiny bit better when they feel alone. Maybe people are staring at their phones too much. (OK, I have no rebuttal for that one. We all need to stop doing that.) Maybe young people don’t know how to read maps. But I, personally, love voice-guided GPS.

Think about it this way: Technology will happen. Change will happen. Improvements will happen. Some of this will make life better. Some of this might make life worse. But have faith that humanity can sort it out.

And here’s the good news: On their own, young people are getting nostalgic for the way things used to be. This is why craft beer and cocktails are all the rage, why farm-to-table is a giant food movement and why vinyl has never been more popular or expensive. Basically, homemade is IN. How else to explain why people spend HOURS staring at and trying to recreate Pinterest projects?

My advice to fellow oldsters: Put down your gavel, quit judging and relax.

The Kids Ruled – Confessions of a Pushover Parent

We live in an age of memes and proclamations. It’s a time when we boldly state our beliefs via social media and thereby ensure our legendary status as best _____ ever. No, not really. (Perhaps not the ensuring legendary status part but we definitely boldly proclaim lots of stuff.)

But as it pertains to parenting and, especially motherhood, the internet is rife with peer-shaming and outrage. Hardly a day goes by when people aren’t sharing articles saying this person is a great parent or this person is a bad mother. There sure are a lot of high horses and soapboxes out there.

In any case, I recently stumbled upon something I created when my kids were probably 11 and 7. I don’t remember because it’s not dated. However, I’m guessing that I was tired, frustrated and mad when I wrote “The Kid Rules.” I recently posted it on Facebook for friends to laugh at. Most did, but a few applauded my rules as a tough, no-nonsense approach to parenting. Here’s the thing: I’m pretty sure I didn’t enforce most of these.

The first clue that I probably didn’t enforce any of this is to A) Look at my house – NOT perfect – never was, still isn’t. B) Look at rule #6: “You must each have a fruit (Maria, a vegetable too) every day. My son hated veggies – mostly still does. So I already lowered the bar for him (our poor daughter got cheated on that) and only made him have a fruit, not a veggie. BAD MOM.

The second clue to my non-enforcement was #8 – “You will shower every day whenever you prefer.” It is obvious that as I’m stating the rule, I’m already softening it. I may as well have said: “If you have time, please shower.”

The final clue that proves I was a pushover is #13: “You must make your bed every day except Friday. On Friday mornings you may watch television during breakfast.” I’m not sure why I didn’t add: “Feel free to eat whatever the hell you want and do whatever you want on Friday because I’m just too damn tired to care.”

I don’t remember a lot about those days except I had a full-time job outside the home and felt like I was neither a good parent nor a good employee. I wanted to control something to prove that I wasn’t a total loss. Thus, I created the Kid Rules.

I do seem to remember that when I wrote them, I ran them by my husband who likely shrugged and said: “Looks good.” He was never as worried about the minutiae of housekeeping and kid-keeping. As the 8^th of 9 kids, his standards for most of these rules were MUCH lower than mine.

I want to point out that I did have my moments of tough love. I vividly remember when I picked up my son from day care where they told me he had slapped a little girl. (He was probably 5 years old.) I put him in the car and drove him to that girl’s house where I made him apologize while I stood next to him sobbing, feeling that I had failed my first big parenting test.

Another tough love moment, where I actually did hold my ground was when my daughter (also probably 5 years old) was being very naughty. As we walked into the local shopping mall, I warned her that the entire family would leave if she didn’t behave. Well, she didn’t, so I threw her over my shoulder and told her we were all leaving. As we walked out of the mall, she was screaming, at the top of her lungs: “I want my Mommy.” I calmly said: “Child, if you find someone who wants to be your mom today, go for it.”

But that’s pretty much it. I don’t remember being particularly hard-ass or inflexible. Other than this pretentious list, I’m pretty sure I could be talked into general lenience with a hug or a friendly smile.

However, here’s what you need to know: My kids are now 28 and 24. They’re really pretty great humans. They’re kind, they’re thoughtful, they’re smart enough to carry on a conversation, they are self-sustaining and gainfully employed and if I were their age, I’d probably want them as friends. All of this, despite likely too much screen time, us giving them a bit of assistance on school projects, letting them have cell phones too early and rarely, if ever, making them eat things they hated.

I’m here to say, from time to time, I caved. No, I’m not proud of it. But I also don’t think I’m the worst parent in the world. Yes, my kids have told me that they hated me. But I don’t wear that as a badge of honor. To me, that was a rough patch that we made it through. Certainly, not meme-worthy. (I am NOT a fan of the meme you see below. Sorry for rolling my eyes while you pat yourself on the back.)

Parenting is hard enough without judgments being made based on little or no information. Let’s be each other’s villages instead of grabbing the pitchforks and torches.

What I Miss

I miss having so much passion and so many feelings that I could write a novel, let alone a blogpost.

I miss sleeping through the night.

I miss being in charge of humans who I created and not being in charge of those who created me.

I miss waking up and not feeling pain with the first step in the morning.

I miss remembering names and places and details.

I miss mentioning that I feel warm and not having people make cracks about menopause.

I miss feeling slim.

I miss feeling so young that looking forward was nothing but excitement and wonderful things ahead.

I miss my toddler children who would cling to me and look up to me and think I was the smartest, best person in the world.

I miss the smell of little baby feet.

I miss back scratches from my mom.

I miss my dad...before dementia and Parkinsonism robbed him of his personality and will to live.

I miss having an office and a job and feeling important.

I miss riding in the car with my girlfriends singing at the top of our lungs.

I miss hugging my puppy and smelling her soft fur.

I miss that wonderful feeling of having a free moment to myself in the midst of the chaos of being a working mom.

I miss the feel of a baby kicking from inside my tummy.

I miss the belly laughs of my kids when they were young.

I miss riding my bike when I was young, looking for a place we'd never seen, in search of adventure.

I miss the world before it was snarky and cynical and doubtful and exclusionary and scary.

I miss not worrying about anything except myself.

I miss having total faith in God and not lingering doubts and questions.

I miss not feeling old.