But as it pertains to parenting and, especially motherhood,
the internet is rife with peer-shaming and outrage. Hardly a day goes by when
people aren’t sharing articles saying this person is a great parent or this
person is a bad mother. There sure are a lot of high horses and soapboxes out
there.
In any case, I recently stumbled upon something I created
when my kids were probably 11 and 7. I don’t remember because it’s not dated.
However, I’m guessing that I was tired, frustrated and mad when I wrote “The
Kid Rules.” I recently posted it on Facebook for friends to laugh at. Most did,
but a few applauded my rules as a tough, no-nonsense approach to parenting. Here’s
the thing: I’m pretty sure I didn’t enforce most of these.
The first clue that I probably didn’t enforce any of this is
to A) Look at my house – NOT perfect – never was, still isn’t. B) Look at rule
#6: “You must each have a fruit (Maria, a vegetable too) every day. My son
hated veggies – mostly still does. So I already lowered the bar for him (our
poor daughter got cheated on that) and only made him have a fruit, not a
veggie. BAD MOM.
The second clue to my non-enforcement was #8 – “You will
shower every day whenever you prefer.” It is obvious that as I’m stating the
rule, I’m already softening it. I may as well have said: “If you have time,
please shower.”
The final clue that proves I was a pushover is #13: “You
must make your bed every day except Friday. On Friday mornings you may watch
television during breakfast.” I’m not sure why I didn’t add: “Feel free to eat
whatever the hell you want and do whatever you want on Friday because I’m just
too damn tired to care.”
I don’t remember a lot about those days except I had a
full-time job outside the home and felt like I was neither a good parent nor a
good employee. I wanted to control something to prove that I wasn’t a total
loss. Thus, I created the Kid Rules.
I do seem to remember that when I wrote them, I ran them by
my husband who likely shrugged and said: “Looks good.” He was never as worried
about the minutiae of housekeeping and kid-keeping. As the 8th of 9
kids, his standards for most of these rules were MUCH lower than mine.
I want to point out that I did have my moments of tough love.
I vividly remember when I picked up my son from day care where they told me he
had slapped a little girl. (He was probably 5 years old.) I put him in the car
and drove him to that girl’s house where I made him apologize while I stood
next to him sobbing, feeling that I had failed my first big parenting test.
Another tough love moment, where I actually did hold my
ground was when my daughter (also probably 5 years old) was being very naughty.
As we walked into the local shopping mall, I warned her that the entire family
would leave if she didn’t behave. Well, she didn’t, so I threw her over my
shoulder and told her we were all leaving. As we walked out of the mall, she
was screaming, at the top of her lungs: “I want my Mommy.” I calmly said:
“Child, if you find someone who wants to be your mom today, go for it.”
But that’s pretty much it. I don’t remember being
particularly hard-ass or inflexible. Other than this pretentious list, I’m
pretty sure I could be talked into general lenience with a hug or a friendly
smile.
However, here’s what you need to know: My kids are now 28
and 24. They’re really pretty great humans. They’re kind, they’re thoughtful,
they’re smart enough to carry on a conversation, they are self-sustaining and
gainfully employed and if I were their age, I’d probably want them as friends.
All of this, despite likely too much screen time, us giving them a bit of
assistance on school projects, letting them have cell phones too early and
rarely, if ever, making them eat things they hated.
I’m here to say, from time to time, I caved. No, I’m not
proud of it. But I also don’t think I’m the worst parent in the world. Yes, my
kids have told me that they hated me. But I don’t wear that as a badge of
honor. To me, that was a rough patch that we made it through. Certainly, not
meme-worthy. (I am NOT a fan of the meme you see below. Sorry for rolling my eyes while you pat yourself on the back.)
Parenting is hard enough without judgments being made based on little or no information. Let’s be each other’s villages instead of grabbing the pitchforks and torches.
Parenting is hard enough without judgments being made based on little or no information. Let’s be each other’s villages instead of grabbing the pitchforks and torches.
