See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

Sometimes, things are out of your control. For those of us who are self-proclaimed "control freaks," this is especially hard. I also think this is hard for mothers who usually step up to fix things. (No shade on fathers. They are great too, but moms tend to get in on the ground level, where things are pretty murky.) 

I was just telling my husband that I'm no longer a very good traveler. (Not that I ever was, but I do think I looked forward to getaways.) Now, I kinda dread traveling. I hate not having my space and my things. I hate having to bring modified versions of my things to create modified versions of my spaces. I like my life. It's comfy and cozy. 

All of that makes the fact that I suggested we travel this weekend all the more interesting. But, as my neighbor just said, Monday is a National Day of Mourning. Our country has lost its damn mind and I just wanted to get away and not see the pageantry of this shameful era. It was just four short years ago that the people that elected this next president stormed their way into the capital, causing injuries and death and horror. To watch them get their way is nauseating to me. 

So, I'm getting out of Dodge, as they say, and pretending that nothing is happening. For a bonus, I get to see our kid and his wife and her family. I'm hoping to stay in total ignorance. There's anger underneath my radio silence. At some point, I'll use it for good. Right now, I need to bury it and ignore the news. This I can control. 

In My Next Life

From time to time, I make a joke about what my "next life" will be. You know, the one that will happen after I die. This assumes, of course, that we are all reincarnated into a new person. I say things like: "In my next life, I will have a smoking hot body, but a lousy personality." 

This morning, I was thinking about the lives that other people lead. I thought of their homes and whether they were clean or dirty, organized or chaotic. There was no jealousy in my thoughts, simply wondering what it would be like to lead a different life. I like to think that my life is fairly well organized and not chaotic. I do not, however, have some of the things that chaotic lives entail - a large family, lots of pets, grandchildren, tons of friends, lots of socializing. 

My life is fairly small, but rich. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm friendly with a lot of people, but there are few that I would call close, although I do pride myself in being able to reach out to lots of different people, regardless of how close we are. This is a huge benefit of texting - sending a quick note to someone when you think of them. 

Anyway, my small life is kind of quiet. It's me, my husband and my dog, sprinkled with a nice dose of our kids and extended family. When I was younger, I envied so many peoples' lives. I spent too much time wishing I had their house or their bodies or their families. The green monster was large in me. What a stupid waste of time. 

I've been SO blessed, which, of course, makes me think of the worst case scenario: What if I lose all of this? I'm a bit of a doomsday prepper (not in that way) and I work pretty hard to avoid experiencing uncomfortable things. This, like envy, is a waste of time....except for one thing - appreciating the good while I have it. I'm trying to do this more often. I look at my dog, who I adore, and get sad thinking of life without her. But I know it'll happen...hopefully not for a long time. There's nothing I can do, except love and appreciate her while I have her. 

Worrywart

We try so hard not to turn into our parents. We see their flaws. We watch their mistakes. We roll our eyes at what they say and do. We swear we'll never be like them. And then one day, we turn around and we are them. 

My Mom was a Class A Expert Worrier. There wasn't an event or a person that she didn't lose sleep over. When she was in Assisted Living, they'd have field trips and she would decide, in advance, that she shouldn't go because either she couldn't get up into the tiny bus (they had a lift) or the tiny bus would break down and then what would she do? She'd worry that she'd become a burden to me. She'd worry that she shouldn't ask for help because that would bother someone. She once worried that Stephen Colbert would get in trouble for making fun of Donald Trump. 🤦

Well, here I am, 64 years old and, I too, am a Class A Expert Worrier. This week we're supposed to go on a mini getaway. We've planned this for a couple of months. But now I'm worried about being away from the dog because she's had some tummy troubles. I've literally lost sleep over this and already planned how I will send my husband without me. I've become such a worrier that I don't want to go anywhere. I only want to go places where I can control everything. 

Mom would be proud. 

NADA

I missed another day - oops. This daily writing thing is a challenge, which is odd, because you should hear what goes on in my brain during a typical day. No, none of it is Pulitzer-worthy. Mostly, it's just worrying and feeling bad, which is one of my superpowers. I guess it really doesn't matter because nobody is reading this. 

Life is weird right now. There are horrifying wildfires in California and we are about to inaugurate a truly terrible person to be president and that person, today, is going to be "sentenced" for being convicted of 34 felonies. (And by "sentence" I mean he's getting scolded and he will have zero consequences.) How did we get here? 

My friend just texted me and said that she needs to stop watching the news reports on the California fires because it's upsetting her. I said: YES, please stop watching. I have a hard time understanding why you would keep doing something that's making you really sad or anxious. I do a lot of things that aren't great for me, but when it comes to mental health, I am pretty good at disconnecting from things that make me upset.

That's all I've got today - a whole lotta nothing. 

Gone

This morning, I spoke to my friend Ann. She and her husband Jon live in Pacific Palisades, CA, an area currently being entirely wiped out by very unexpected fires. I texted her to find out if they were OK and she called me back. We usually just text each other back and forth. Not today. She called and started sobbing. The home that they lived in for 25+ years is likely gone. She said they were receiving messages from their alarm company that there was activity at their window and then activity inside the house...They realized quickly that the activity was the fire. 

I want to tell you about my friendship with Ann. She's one of the people that I met online. We followed each other on Twitter (back when it was a lovely community forum.) We instantly connected and eventually became real friends. And yes, we've met in person - three times! My daughter and I have had breakfast with her, she and Jon came to my son's play in LA and they also came to our house for dinner when they visited Wisconsin a couple of years ago. She's just a super genuine, intelligent and funny person that I adore. 

I've rarely felt this helpless. I told her that I don't have any adequate words to express my empathy. Yes, she and her husband are safe, but how do you start over after 25+ years? Where do you even begin? How do you have faith in the world? 

Say some prayers for the people of California tonight. Yes, there are celebrities that have lots of money and many homes, but there are also salt-of-the-earth people like Ann & Jon who are about to have the worst year of their life. 😔

*The photo above is from a video taken this afternoon in Ann & Jon's neighborhood. Their house, or what's left of it, is two blocks away. 

Good Thoughts Only

If you know me, you know that I despise Donald Tr*mp. I can't even type his full name. I hate everything about him and think he will, once again, be a terrible president. I even put some energy into working on Kamala's campaign by knocking on doors. I truly did my best, but we didn't win. For some incredibly sad reason, millions of Americans decided it was OK to elect a felon, racist, homophobe, xenophobe, sexual predator, narcissist...the list goes on and on.

Yesterday, January 6th, was a rough day, mostly because every single news outlet rehashed the events of January 6th 2021, a day that made me angrier than any other politically-related moment ever. It was a full-out attack on democracy and he-who-shall-not-be-named egged them all on and then called them heroes and hostages and will probably pardon a bunch of them. It takes a felon to pardon a felon. 

But that's not my point here. I HATE that he's going to be next president, but it's going to happen whether or not I whine and mope about it. Therefore, I've chosen NOT to doomscroll and dive into negative podcasts and news reports and tweets and Instagram posts. Unlike eight years ago, when I needed some affirmation that the world was batshit crazy, I just can't go there. I know it's crazy. And I'll do something about it at some point, just not today.

In the meantime, I'm doing anything and everything that is NOT negative energy. I'm watching great shows on TV. I'm going to see great movies. I'm discovering new music. I'm volunteering for various non-profits. I'm working out. I'm watching sports. I'm playing pickleball. I'm walking my dog. I'm trying to find reasons to laugh. 

I have to. Me, being miserable, helps nobody. I'm going out of my way to avoid being aware of our country being led by a lunatic. I even scheduled a mini vacation to Vegas on inauguration weekend. I'm hoping and praying that smarter, better and cooler heads will prevail in the long run. I know it'll be a shit show for a while, but I'll just be over here ignoring everything. 

Grudge Holding

I'm a bit of a grudge holder, especially when it comes to gift giving. I know, I know, I should give gifts and not expect anything in return, but I can't help myself. Let me be clear, I only expect a thank you, but if I don't get it...at least in person, or via text, I hold a grudge. 

There are two gifts I gave in the last couple of months - one a graduation gift and one a Christmas/thank you and goodbye - that I've heard nothing about. I should let it go. Both were money, but that seemed like the best choice for both people. 

If I'm being honest, here's what it is: I'm bothered when people don't act the way I would act. I would have at least sent a text or a thank you note. I'll move on, someday. But I can't help but think differently about those people. Sigh.