A work in progress

I guess this is it. The way things will be...at least for a while. I'm starting to realize that life is a series of scenes, ever-changing. Things never really "settle down." They just remain stable...for a little while. And then they change again. Because kids grow, parents age, health declines. I'm not depressed, really. I'm just feeling a sense of clarity.

I've been having this interior struggle: The other day, I had this absolutely daunting, overwhelming thought - I've taken over my parents' lives. Although it was done with the blessings of my siblings and with the reluctant acceptance of Mom and Dad, I still realize that they are largely dependent upon me and Hubby. Wow. In some ways, this feels like being a new mom again - kinda scary.

Then again, the Control Freak side of me sort of likes the fact that I can positively affect their life. Is that weird? I just think back to the past several years. So often I would think: Gosh, I wish Mom and Dad lived closer so I could do this with them, or show them this or share this with them. Now I can, within limited means. We're still dealing with physical issues - poor vision, dementia, gait impairment - but there are a few things I can now do because they live closer to us.

So my life has settled into a bit of a routine. I try to go to Mom and Dad's at least two times a week. Mom calls with a shopping list of necessities and I purchase those along with a few treats - candy or other sweets that I know will brighten Dad's eyes. It's not much and most of the time, it feels woefully inadequate, but knowing they're safe and looked-after, is about the best we can do right now.

On the bright side, I'm loving the little chats that I have with Mom when I visit. She's a sharp one - doesn't miss a beat - fills me in on all the hubub at the facility. Some of it kind of funny, some good, but some not-so-good. And when it's not-so-good, that's when the guilt sets in. When she makes comments about how there's not much staff on weekends and it's really quiet - I brush it off, but I never really get rid of it.

That's when I have to remind myself that in many ways, we're in WAY better shape than so many other families who are struggling with what to do with our parents. Many friends have told me that they are thinking ahead and concerned about what they will do in the next few years. That's when I feel really proud. It wasn't perfect, but we did it. We stepped into my parents' lives and did the best thing we could.

Maybe it's because I'm feeling so impacted (or is it snake bitten?) by this experience, I'm now starting to think ahead...WAY ahead to what will happen to Hubby and me. We're only 52 and 53 years old, but the years speed by. The time to prepare is now, right?

I guess that's my new mission - spreading the message of "preparedness." It's never too early.