Kleenex and Perspective

I promised myself I'd start writing again. Not because I'm great. Just because I think writing is good for me. Also, I'm quite certain that nobody else is reading this. I originally started this blog to vent about my parents living with us. That was hard. If you look back six or seven years, you'll see I was struggling...a lot. And, see, that's when I often do my best writing - when I feel strongly about something...when I'm not great.

So, I'm back...I hope. We'll see.

Anyway, today's post is about illness and appreciation. The past two weeks, my husband and I have both been battling the mother of all head colds. (Hey, why isn't it the father of all head colds? Why throw mothers under the bus?) In any case, we've both visited doctors twice and we are both on antibiotics. We've gone through BOXES of Kleenex. It's not pretty. We've barely been able to rise above our feeling crappiness to talk to each other. It's like we're in the same house but not really.

Nevertheless, it occurred to me - we basically have colds. Fine, we have upper respiratory and sinus infections, but they're both just enhanced versions of a cold. And we feel lousy. And early on in the onset of this "illness" I thought about the people that I know battling cancer. (Yes, I went to a dark place.) And I thought about the fact that I was being a complete baby and I will recover. I can't imagine how my friends and acquaintances are able to be the shining optimistic versions of themselves with a life-threatening disease. I'm not sure I could be that strong. Then again, I guess you be what you have to be when you have to be it.

In any case, if you or someone you know is battling cancer - wow. I'm in awe. Wishing you or them strength and hope and love.

I Hate Goodbyes

I hate when things end. I hate goodbyes. 

When my job involved setting up for trade shows, I LOVED the getting ready, the preparation, the loading of product into displays. I LOVED making it “wow-worthy.” But I HATED when it ended – the tear-down, the packing up. It felt so very sad and final.

I love anticipation, but do not love the ending of things – good books, great TV series….great movies. (Except for “Into Great Silence.” That snooze-fest couldn’t end soon enough, in my opinion.) 

I really hate the end of the year. I hate the random listing and ranking of accomplishments and exploits, simply because of a calendar date. I especially hate thinking of those we lost. Nothing could be sadder. 

Goodbyes are hard for me and as we wrap up another annual visit by my kids – an especially good one, in my opinion - this image popped into my head. Having them home is like holding a handful of sand. While they enjoy their time with their friends and us, the sands fall through my fingers. I can’t stop the sand from falling any more than I can stop them from heading back home to Los Angeles. Yes, I said ‘home’ because that IS their home. They will always be from Tosa, but they are fully Californians. 

People often say to me: “Oh, that must be so hard to have your kids far away.” My answer is usually: Yes, it’s hard, but I’m grateful that they’re near each other and they’re happy. That’s all I ever care about – that they’re happy. 

So as we start another year, and our kids’ visit ends tomorrow, I’m feeling a tad reflective and melancholy. Maybe it’s because I’ve reached the age where I’m too aware of the passage of time. Maybe because caring for my Mom makes me realize that time is slipping through my fingers. Maybe it's because parenting adult children is a weird mix of holding on and letting go and leaning in and leaving space and trying not to step on toes. Mostly, it’s because I hate goodbyes. I love my life, but this ending of one thing and the starting of another is a challenge for me. I’m honestly not very good at it.

I share a lot with y’all – no doubt too much. (Sorry.) For some reason, I felt very compelled to share my complicated feelings this morning. While they’re still home for another day, I wanted to say all of this before they’re gone. I think most of you, especially if you’re parents, will understand. 

Thanks for reading. Happy New Year. 🥂🎉❤️