In the meantime, I still go every day. It's not for very long. Sometimes Dad falls asleep. Sometimes he's taken to the dining room for meals. Sometimes he's being changed and dressed. Sometimes, I just have to leave.
Leaving is hard. Mom and I practice NOT saying: "We have to go." For some reason, Dad takes that as a signal that he's leaving and he starts pushing his blankets aside to join us. That part is heartbreaking. I have to, somehow, placate him and explain that he needs to stay and that we'll be back tomorrow.
If I'm REALLY honest, I'd tell you that I try not to think about Dad and what he's doing when we're not there. I just can't go there. It's just too heartbreaking. Because I actually know that he just sits and stares. Based on the few comments that he makes to us, I'm guessing that he makes lists in his head about what he needs to do. The other day he said he had been to the hardware store, which is something he often did.
This week, we were offered the opportunity to move Dad to the Memory Care unit. I asked what was different about it and I was told that it was a smaller unit, so there would be more one-on-one care. On my walk-through, I noticed that there are no TVs in the rooms and residents all seemed to be gathered in the dining area for an activity. After talking it over with Mom, we agreed that Dad would HATE it there. Although his dementia has ramped up significantly, if he has any awareness of where he is, that is NOT where he'd want to be. He likes his solitude and I think he's happier sitting alone, staring, than he is in a group of wheelchair-bound patients, attending music therapy. But giving him his solitude means the possibility of him trying to get up and "take a walk" which, one day, might result in a serious injury. Thus far, it's a risk we're willing to take.
What scares me, looking forward, is that Dad might linger like this for a LONG time. Although weak and confused, his health is relatively stable. My guilt surrounding this possibility is almost overwhelming, so I choose not to confront it.
Meanwhile, we carry on.
