Guilt Trip

It's been a long time - over three months. Not much has really happened and yet so much has changed. I've had so many thoughts mulling through my brain these past three months. Yesterday, I finally had to do an email "brain dump" to my siblings. I disguised it as an update, but there was nothing really new.

The gist of the update - Dad has checked out of life. Oh and I feel terrible about this.

No, seriously, he has checked out. He spends his days staring at the TV. He watches shows - NCIS, of course - that he's already seen again and again and again. Sometimes he even watches with the sound off. Perhaps he makes up his own dialogue in his head. I have no doubt it's better than the actual script of that show, but that's a whole 'nother blog.

I'm constantly bringing him books, in hopes to engage his mind. I want him to be interested in something...anything. But he's not. My hubby thinks he just doesn't want to read, but I won't give up.

He doesn't move and therefore his legs are getting weaker and weaker. He really struggles to get up. Mom is worried. The nursing staff at the facility is worried. I'm worried.

We're in a downward spiral and I feel SO guilty about that. I said as much to my siblings and they both responded with virtually the same sentence: "You are not alone in the guilt..." How can three pretty smart people feel guilty about something for which we have no control? We all know that it's up to Dad to improve his condition and yet we feel badly that his life has deteriorated to this point. Maybe because we felt like Dad was there for us when we were total idiots at points in our lives. We feel a strong sense of responsibility to fix his situation. And yet, we all know that it likely won't improve.

Yesterday, I took my parents to lunch. Mom was absolutely dying to get out of the facility. Can't say I blame her. Mom asked Dad to tell me about his "driver's license." He proceeded to tell me that he's going to appeal the revoking of his license. I then had an awkward conversation about how he's not really fit to drive and how a year ago, a whole team of neurologists tested him and deemed him unfit to drive. I also said that I didn't feel comfortable with him driving because of his general weakness. He told me that was unfounded.

And then I asked him if he had his license, where would he go? "Walgreens." That's it. Not the border or back home or anywhere but here. Just Walgreens. I understood. It's not about where, it's about independence. We've taken EVERYTHING away from him. (Yes, it's for his own safety, but still.) He wants control over something...ANYTHING.

In a perfect world, I'd give him a vehicle - a bumper car or maybe a golf cart or maybe Bubba Watson's hovercraft. He probably wouldn't go very far or very often, but he'd have the feeling of independence. He'd be in charge of something. But I can't do that. It's not safe for him or others.

It's funny how I've reached a stage in my life where what makes me happy is what makes "my people" happy - my hubby, my kids, my parents. And when they're unhappy, I feel the intense need to fix it all and the overwhelming and sad realization that that's not my job.

Sigh.