The nest emptied. The parents moved in, then out...then basically became my life. Hilarity, frustration and madness ensued. I went from a stay-at-home mom to a stay-at-home daughter. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing.
When my job involved setting up for trade shows, I LOVED the getting ready, the preparation, the loading of product into displays. I LOVED making it “wow-worthy.” But I HATED when it ended – the tear-down, the packing up. It felt so very sad and final.
I love anticipation, but do not love the ending of things – good books, great TV series….great movies. (Except for “Into Great Silence.” That snooze-fest couldn’t end soon enough, in my opinion.)
I really hate the end of the year. I hate the random listing and ranking of accomplishments and exploits, simply because of a calendar date. I especially hate thinking of those we lost. Nothing could be sadder.
Goodbyes are hard for me and as we wrap up another annual visit by my kids – an especially good one, in my opinion - this image popped into my head. Having them home is like holding a handful of sand. While they enjoy their time with their friends and us, the sands fall through my fingers. I can’t stop the sand from falling any more than I can stop them from heading back home to Los Angeles. Yes, I said ‘home’ because that IS their home. They will always be from Tosa, but they are fully Californians.
People often say to me: “Oh, that must be so hard to have your kids far away.” My answer is usually: Yes, it’s hard, but I’m grateful that they’re near each other and they’re happy. That’s all I ever care about – that they’re happy.
So as we start another year, and our kids’ visit ends tomorrow, I’m feeling a tad reflective and melancholy. Maybe it’s because I’ve reached the age where I’m too aware of the passage of time. Maybe because caring for my Mom makes me realize that time is slipping through my fingers. Maybe it's because parenting adult children is a weird mix of holding on and letting go and leaning in and leaving space and trying not to step on toes. Mostly, it’s because I hate goodbyes. I love my life, but this ending of one thing and the starting of another is a challenge for me. I’m honestly not very good at it.
I share a lot with y’all – no doubt too much. (Sorry.) For some reason, I felt very compelled to share my complicated feelings this morning. While they’re still home for another day, I wanted to say all of this before they’re gone. I think most of you, especially if you’re parents, will understand.
Some people long for a life that is simple and planned Tied with a ribbon Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land To follow what's written But I'd follow you to the great unknown Off to a world we call our own
- Tightrope from “The Greatest Showman”
35 years. Wow. That’s the age of a full-grown adult. A lot can happen in 35 years. A lot DID happen in 35 years.
Nevertheless, we married. We had a blast at our wedding. I moved to Milwaukee and we started our life. Along the way, a lot happened.
Here’s a list, in no particular order, of just some of our life events:
Set mousetraps.
Had babies.
Survived cancer.
Survived cancer again.
Had more babies.
Moved my parents in with us.
Sent kids to school.
Bought a house.
Sold a house.
Bought another house.
Sold another house.
Got a job.
Parented a disabled child.
Traveled…a lot.
Sat in grandstands for sports.
Sat in theaters for concerts.
Got promoted.
Changed jobs.
Held our son’s hand while he passed away.
Held my Dad’s hand while he passed away.
Drove carpool.
Cried through graduations.
Laughed at mishaps.
Argued over small things.
Yelled at the kids.
Yelled at each other.
Waved goodbye as our kids moved across the country.
Filled our basement with crap.
Cleaned the basement.
Gained weight.
Lost weight.
Gained weight again.
Sat through 150 recitals.
Quit jobs.
Lost parents.
Made new friends.
Reconnected with old friends.
If you asked me what the secret to a long marriage is, I guess I’d tell you it’s what’s written inside my original wedding ring – love and respect. Love when someone needs you and you feel helpless. Love when you run out of things to talk about because what haven’t you covered in 35 years of dinner table conversations? Love, when you see their best qualities reflected in your children.
Respect because you know that this person is willing to do whatever is possible to put your relationship first…forever. Respect because sometimes you can’t muster up the 50/50 effort and you need them to be the 80 or 90%. Respect because even when you disagree, you try really hard to understand each other’s viewpoint just because it matters.
Life is so much more than a Hallmark movie. It’s boring and glorious and messy and hilarious and tedious and infuriating and terrifying and heartbreaking and puzzling and ugly and so very beautiful. It’s the richer and the poorer. It’s the sickness and the health, but I’ll be honest, the sickness is what throws you for a loop and proves your mettle. But, like actual metal, it strengthens you. And it doesn’t have to be sickness. It can be parenting, financial struggles, job loss, differing opinions, anxiety, stress….it all adds up and challenges every part of you. But if you believe in your relationship and trust it, it’s SO worthwhile.
Look, I’ll be honest – I got lucky. I got VERY lucky. Somehow, this patient, kind, smart, unselfish human chose me. If that ever happens to you, don’t overthink it. Jump in. I mean, definitely talk about all of it – the goals, the expectations, the hopes, the dreams, the fears – but then LEAP.
I’ve been struggling lately as Mom’s caregiver. (Full disclosure, I’m not REALLY her caregiver. I see her weekdays only, usually less than an hour.) I’ve been impatient, frustrated, petulant…angry. She’s diminishing, before my very eyes. There seems to be less of her than before. But it’s not just her stature, it’s her mind. She used to be sharp as a tack. Now, she seems confused, which irritates me and also makes me feel bad.
She can’t help it. Her body is failing her, much like her vision already did.
You know how they talk about the circle of life? She’s heading back down the other way. As I’ve explained to people, she’s a version of 11 year-old me. I didn’t like 11 year-old me. I was self-absorbed and constantly wishing that I’d be diagnosed with something so that everyone would pay attention to me. VERY immature. Mom’s a nicer version of that. I’m finding it hard to be a mother to my mother. I’m not very good at it.
She complains of dizziness and lightheadedness. So I take her to the doctor. They poke, they prod, they question, they test. Then they say they can do no more and want to send her to the emergency room. Suddenly, she perks up and says: “Oh gosh, no. That seems like too much.” If I felt that it would be a worthwhile trip, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I know we’ll spend hours with more testing and poking and prodding…to no avail.
I don’t NOT believe her complaints. It’s just that I think that they’re vague and borne of boredom and isolation, two things she can solve but wishes not to. She gets overwhelmed by “plans.” So then the plans are canceled and she sits and thinks about how shitty she feels. It's a vicious circle.
I bring her audiobooks which she ignores…for weeks. I return the books and then, two days later, she says, as if I’ve long denied her: “There is something I’d like. Can you get me a book to listen to?” I quietly say “sure” and then hang up the phone and SCREAM at it. It’s a rage I haven’t felt in years…against my elderly mother. How cruel am I? Very, apparently.
What I should do is listen patiently to her and empathize. What I do instead is tell her that I’m concerned because if she can’t live without full-time help, we’ll have to move her to a nursing home. That scares her. I didn’t mean to do that, but honestly, it’s true.
We get a letter saying that four falls is too many and she has to sign a contract saying that she’ll keep her walker by her side more often…which she already does.
We’re in this precarious place. It’s not really living. It’s applying band-aids to the gushing wound of aging.
I try to remind myself to be gentler, kinder…but I can never seem to get there. I have friends who would do anything to be with their mothers again, and here I am, complaining about mine.
When I get to be 87, I’ll surely reap what I sow and then my regrets will be oh, so bitter.
If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed If you stand before the power of hell and death is at your side, know that I am with you through it all
Before Tom and I first became pregnant, we talked a lot about having a baby. We talked about the money. We talked about who would care for the child while we worked. We talked about how wonderful it would be to become parents. What we never talked about was what we would do if the worst thing happened. It never occurred to us. I did hear about bad things happening – in pregnancy or life – but not to us. When your pregnancy is going along swimmingly, you have this blissful ignorance that you’re beyond the reach of grief and tragedy. You have to remember, this was before the internet. Anything we needed to know about pregnancy was only available in books or by asking friends, family and physicians.
When our first child, Andrew, was born severely developmentally disabled, I remembered thinking: “This is a nightmare. I’m living every parent’s nightmare.” (For those who haven't known me very long, you can read Andrew’s story here. If you want to see photos of Andrew through the years, you can watch this video.) When I look back on that time, 32 years ago, I was so young and so naive. I had so little life experience to put this tragedy in perspective. Honestly, I’m not even sure I could have put it in perspective. How do you wrap your head around the fact that a perfectly normal pregnancy resulted in a child who was profoundly disabled?
(Interesting side note: I was recently told by a doctor, that if that pregnancy had happened today, physicians likely would have seen, via ultrasound, the Vesa Previa that caused Andrew’s problems. In other words, they could have prevented everything that went wrong. But if that happened, I’m not sure we would have had our second son Dan and that seems unfathomable today.)
I remember being sad…and sometimes angry. I will admit, I got REALLY angry. I remember going to Mayfair Mall and seeing young women, a LOT younger than me, with healthy children. I remember asking God: “Why do THEY get to be parents when they are still children themselves?” But you quickly realize that anger toward something unfixable is wasted energy. In any case, along with the grief that came from knowing that our child was so horribly disabled, came a strange sense of peace. Perhaps it was simply resignation.
Yes, I was sad and angry, but I was never afraid. I’m not sure why. One reason might be because I was young and pretty unaware. I had no idea the depth of this calamity. I guess I wasn’t afraid because family surrounded us and enveloped us in love. I wasn’t afraid because the staff at St. Joe’s Hospital did everything to walk us through the nightmare in a gentle, caring way. I also wasn’t afraid because I had Tom. I wasn’t alone. We were a team and we were inseparable.
As we approach our 35thwedding anniversary, I think back to momentous events in our life and realize that I made it through the bad parts because I was the luckiest girl in the world. I made it through because my husband became my rock when I was a pile of mush. When I was weak, he was strong. THAT’S how I made it through. That is why today, when I go to weddings and the vows are being recited, I always wish I could shout out: “PAY ATTENTION TO THE SICKNESS PART! SHIT HAPPENS. MAKE SURE YOU’RE THERE FOR EACH OTHER DURING THE WORST.” Of course, I never do. But I think it and I wish and pray that the couple will love each other no matter what.
Nevertheless, Andrew is forever a part of our family’s story. I know that religious people have told us: “God chose you to be Andrew’s parents.” I don’t know if that’s really true. (Can you tell I’m having a bit of a faith crisis lately?) I feel like Andrew did more for us than we did for him. Perhaps I appreciated parenthood a lot more because of him. Perhaps I understood a little more about the fragility of life because of him. Perhaps because of the fact that, in his quiet, gentle way, he touched so many lives, I received a broader understanding of how all of our lives are intertwined. For that, I’m very, very grateful.
Now that I’ve matured, I’ve unfortunately seen tragedies. I’ve known parents who have lost their kids to accidents or suicide. I’ve seen families live through the horror of cancer and other illnesses. Who’s to say which tragedy is the worst? Ours was just one story among many.
32 years ago, on November 18, 1986, our first child was born. It was a tragedy. But tucked inside that tragedy was beauty that is born out of grief and love. Happy birthday, Andrew. We love you.
Fold my heart up small Or break it into pieces Find somewhere and keep it there Take it when you go
- Jonathan Coulton "When You Go"
Is it any coincidence that bleeding hearts are in full bloom around Mother's Day? To me, bleeding hearts always seemed like nature's perfect metaphor to explain the joy and heartbreak of motherhood.
The moment that I held my baby sister, I knew that I wanted to become a mother. I was a naïve and selfish 12-1/2 year old and suddenly, in that moment, I was forever changed.
But helping out with my baby sister was a very saccharine and unrealistic view of motherhood. I was able to dress her, feed her, take her on walks and show her off. (Sounds like playing with a doll, right?) I never dealt with nighttime feedings, illnesses or overwhelming exhaustion. I was well-prepared to love a baby, but woefully unprepared to deal with my own.
The birth of my own motherhood was less a bundle of rainbows and cuddles than a giant storm cloud filled with unexpected bursts of painful lightning and downpours. Our first child was born severely developmentally-disabled. Nevertheless, as you do with all storms, you weather them and you do, eventually, find the rainbows. I was forever changed by Andrew’s birth and existence in this world. Throughout his 20 years, his life would teach me that every life touches others, no matter how fragile and/or broken.
Dan came along 11 months later and taught me that there was still hope. But sometimes, in that hope, you realize that, as the saying goes: “Motherhood is the hardest job in the world.” I thought back to helping out with my sister. Where was the constant joy and excitement? Oh yeah, it’s buried inside my sleep-deprived self. Eventually, we figured out how to parent. Honestly, who sends people home with a human with no instruction manual? For God’s sake, you get more information when you buy a new bike!
When Maria came along, our little princess, I was beyond the moon with excitement. And, with a bit of experience under my belt, I learned to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff. There was joy and energy in our house and a LOT to do. Just because there’s a new human in the house, doesn’t mean the others take care of themselves.
Oh yeah, and I had a full-time job.
I was born and raised in the 60s and 70s. By the time I went to college, we were constantly given strong messages of female empowerment and “having it all.” I’ll even go so far as to say that not wanting to have it all would have been frowned upon. I wanted it all, but at what cost? Eventually, I decided to abandon my career for family. My brain was on overload and I was doing no one – my kids or my employer – any favors for keeping up the charade of being “well-focused.”
Here’s the big problem with becoming a stay-at-home mom. In the age of empowerment, having it all and “leaning in,” it doesn’t make for great cocktail party introductions. How do I answer the question: “What do you do?” Some days, who knows?
Once I stayed home to become a homemaker, I had high expectations of myself. I was no June Cleaver, but I felt a step above Carol Brady. (There was no Alice living in our house.) I wasn’t much of a cook, didn’t sew and wasn’t very good at volunteering for committees. What’s that old adage – “Fake it till you make it?” That’s a good way to explain how I muddled through motherhood.
Although I was a stay-at-home mom, I didn’t want that to define me. I wasn’t ready to go back to work, but felt like I was more than the mom in the carpool lane. Sometimes I’d ask myself: “What the hell am I?”
Years went by, effort was put forth, children were educated and eventually fully raised to adulthood.
And just when I was ready to figure out who I was without kids, my parents moved in. Suddenly, I was mothering my parents.
Mind. Blown.
My life has been a strange series of small events – some beautiful, some heartbreaking, many boring as hell. I’ve sat through recitals, doctors appointments, teacher conferences, kids’ sporting events and graduations. I’ve held onto my son, my dad and my dog as they passed away. I’ve comforted my children, my husband and my mom as they dealt with transitions. All in all, I sometimes feel like I’ve seen a little bit of everything…and handled it all clumsily.
Motherhood did define me and change me. I put 23 years of energy into it and although I’m still a mother, it’s time for me to figure out who I am. My kids have happily completed college and moved 3,000 miles away to follow their dreams. I couldn't be more excited for them.
Yet, here I am today, once again, asking myself: “What the hell am I?”
I’m a wife, a stay-at-home daughter, an empty nester, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a tennis player, a beer drinker, a sports fan, a book and movie lover, a foodie, a cynic, a writer, a mediocre cook, a couch surfer, a poor sleeper, a laundress, an awkward conversationalist….a really odd human being who keeps trying to figure it all out.
I will never be more proud of anything in my life than I am of being a mother. But the time has come to try out a few new things. Stay tuned.
I’m the least qualified person to write this. I’ve never
been very interested in politics until this election. Truth be told, I’m
writing this to myself…to explain what happened. I’m having a hard time making
sense of the election results. I know, logically,
that it happened. But I guess I wanted to try to sort out WHY.
Full disclosure, I’m a Republican who voted for
Hillary Clinton. After this election, I’m not honestly sure that I’m still a
Republican. I’ll take some time to decide.
What I want to do here is try to talk to friends and family
on both sides…and maybe myself. Like I said, I’m not at all qualified to write
this. If I were you, I’d ignore this and go back and play Candy Crush.
Also, to be honest, my coffee just kicked in so, here goes:
To my friends and
family who supported Trump: Congratulations. Some of you were all in on
Trump’s campaign…some voted as a lesser of two evils. In either case, here’s
what you need to know to deal with those grieving over the election results: It’s not about losing. I said all along,
I fear Donald Trump far less than I fear his followers…the “deplorables” that
Hillary famously called out. (That was a HUGE mistake, by the way. I’ll get to
that later.)
What my gay, black and minority friends are TERRIFIED about
is America returning to a racism and hatred we naively thought was gone. Look around the
nation this week. Look at the hate crimes that are occurring. Imagine being a black person once again called the N word. Imagine
being a Muslim woman having your hijab pulled off. Imagine feeling like you are
no longer welcome in the country in which you were born or had recently become a citizen. THIS is why they/we
are grieving the election results. THIS is why they are protesting. (Click on the word THIS to the left for examples.)
So, here’s what I’m asking: Please ask the president-elect
to condemn the senseless acts of violence.He needs to speak up now or he will lose the electorate. Perhaps sign this petition to demand this.
And, for the record, I personally, condemn ALL acts of
violence whether it’s against minorities or Trump voters. Not cool,
America.
Like you, I actually do hope Trump creates all those jobs
and sparks an economic revival. But what will a vibrant economy do for those who
are dealing with hate crimes? To me, America was always great. I’m for
immigration reform, not immigration brutality. Like it or not, we are a nation
of immigrants. My grandparents emigrated from Poland. They fled their country
to escape oppression by one of the most horrific dictators in history, much
like the Syrians are fleeing their war-torn country.
It's also about the hundreds of thousands who are afraid that they will lose their health insurance. A friend of mine has a sister who is on Obamacare. If it's repealed, because she is a cancer survivor, she's afraid that she won't qualify for insurance. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment.
It’s about climate change. Many of you are global
warming deniers. But many of those who voted for Hillary Clinton hoped that we
would continue on a path that would, hopefully, preserve the environment for our children and grandchildren. That now seems all but impossible. One of my kids texted me this: “I would be more ok if
it weren't for erasing all of our progress on climate change, basically dooming
my future kids.”
Also, I get why you might be pissed about the
demonstrations. I, too, wonder if it might be a tad hypocritical to protest
when Democrats were beside themselves when Trump said he might accept the
results only if he won. But peaceful protest is, literally, the constitutional
right of all Americans. What they are protesting is the hatred seemingly
allowed and encouraged by Donald Trump. They are protesting an America that
seems willing to allow racism, sexism, sexual assault (it’s NOT “locker room talk”),
misogyny, homophobia and anything that tells people of a vulnerable population
– you are not worthy. THAT is what is being protested. If you're not part of that vulnerable population, you probably don't understand.
Also, stop telling people to “move on.” When you feel like
suddenly your nation isn’t the free and open and accepting country you thought
it was, this is a tough, tough pill to swallow. Instead, listen to what
concerns them. Reach out to them instead of dismissing them.
To my friends and
family who supported Clinton: Shit. Talk about a blindside. Most of you were Democrats, but many of you
were Republicans, willing to take a leap of faith for a historic moment – a
woman president. Well, we got history, just not the history we wanted.
Here’s what you need to know about those who voted for Trump
– many, many, MANY of them did it for one reason – abortion. They voted for
someone who said he’s anti-abortion. They want to save unborn babies. That’s
right - humans who have not yet left the womb. To them, for many reasons, they
will ignore everything else to save children. It was about Supreme Court
vacancies and saving babies. You can scoff, if you want, but they (and I, to be perfectly transparent) believe very
strongly in this, just as you believe very strongly in women’s reproductive
rights.
Also, Hillary ignored blue-collar rural voters. I think she
got caught up in the dazzling celebrities (Beyonce, Bon Jovi, Springsteen) who
stumped for her campaign. In every city she went to, famous people were on
stage with her. That’s the problem. America is made up of a lot of anonymous
people spread far and wide. These people, who felt that they had been called
“deplorable,” were working hard on their farms or going back to school after
their factories had closed. They felt dismissed by the Democrats because they
weren’t the shiny pennies that Democratic voters were. They were dirty, worn
pennies that sit in the bottom of pockets. While you were trying to ignore
Trump, he was reaching out to them with promises of jobs and a better world.
Back to the “deplorable” thing: When Hillary first said it,
I was stunned. I know she was TRYING to say that she condemns racism and sexism
and homophobia and hatred…but the people who wondered if Trump could actually
be viable felt enraged. Here was this career politician, who may or may not have been
personally responsible for the deaths of Americans in Benghazi, calling voters
deplorable. If she won, she’d be their president too. Never a good move.
If we're honest with ourselves, we know that Hillary was
already an imperfect candidate. She had a LOT of baggage. Think back to the
beginning of the campaign – she wasn’t a home run. But as the campaign gained
steam, we all forgot about the issues that a lot of other voters couldn’t
forget. I read yesterday that Hillary blamed FBI Director Comey for stopping the
momentum of the campaign. If she believes that, she’s delusional. I don’t think
the second letter truly changed anyone’s mind. We had two very polarizing
candidates. One just had a slightly stronger voter base.
I’m going to end this whole thing with the speech from the end of the 1940 Charlie Chaplin film “The Great Dictator." It’s a beautiful speech that everyone should hear:
Stay strong, everyone. Do better. Reach across the aisle.
Listen with open ears and open eyes. Love one another.
I’m nearly 56 years old. I’m technically a baby boomer. I
grew up before the internet and cell phones. I remember black & white TV with
three, MAYBE four channels…and no remote control. As a child, I rode my bike
without a helmet. When my parents wanted me to come home, my Dad would
whistle…loudly. I played the music I liked on records (we didn’t call it vinyl)
and hoped to hear it on the radio. If
I got in trouble at school, my parents would likely believe the teachers
instead of me. Blah, blah, blah….
This is for old people like me: STOP NOSTALGIA SHAMING. Stop
telling young people that the way things were done in your youth is better than
the way things are done now. I’m tired of hearing it and it’s making your kids
and their kids tune you out and it's making you sound old. Just because it was great when you were young,
doesn’t mean it’s the right way or the only way.
You know what? My childhood was pretty good, but it’s not
better than my kids’ childhood or my theoretical grandchildren’s childhood. (Still hoping those will exist someday.) Why
do the middle-aged and elderly think that because their telephone had a cord
and they had to see their friends IN PERSON that they had better phone calls, friendships
or relationships?
News flash: Things change. Some get better. Some get worse.
Stop telling young people that the newfangled way of doing things is bad,
confusing, worse, misguided, artificial, impersonal…in other words, STOP
JUDGING.
Look, I get it. Nobody likes change. We all get snuggled in
our comfort zone. Change is confusing and difficult. But we older people should
embrace change…at least the idea of it. It’s OK to not like the new version of
something. But don’t tell people who like it that they’re wrong or bad.
Maybe there are too many selfies in this world. But maybe it
would be cool to look back in 40 years on those selfies. Maybe there’s too much
sharing on social media. But maybe being able to share helps a new mom or a
depressed teen feel a tiny bit better when they feel alone. Maybe people are
staring at their phones too much. (OK, I have no rebuttal for that one. We all
need to stop doing that.) Maybe young people don’t know how to read maps. But
I, personally, love voice-guided GPS.
Think about it this way: Technology will happen. Change will
happen. Improvements will happen. Some of this will make life better. Some of
this might make life worse. But have faith that humanity can sort it out.
And here’s the good news: On their own, young people are
getting nostalgic for the way things used to be. This is why craft beer and
cocktails are all the rage, why farm-to-table is a giant food movement and why
vinyl has never been more popular or expensive. Basically, homemade is IN. How
else to explain why people spend HOURS staring at and trying to recreate
Pinterest projects?
My advice to fellow oldsters: Put down your gavel, quit
judging and relax.
The moment that I held my baby sister, I knew that I wanted to become a mother. I was a naïve and selfish 12-1/2 year old and suddenly, in that moment, I was forever changed.
