I feel bad about....everything.

Guilt. I have this magical way of inserting it into every moment of my life. My kids do something wrong or struggle with something in their lives? I blame myself or figure it was my inadequate parenting skills. My husband is in a bad mood? (Which he NEVER is, dammit.) I assume it's my fault. And yes, I've managed to include guilt as part of the "elder care package."

Mom's hip has been bothering her lately. I'm not sure if it's her bionic (a.k.a. "replaced") hip or her old one. Either way, I'm worried. I'm certain it's because she's sleeping on an Aero Bed in the bedroom while Dad, um, hogs, the queen size bed. They had a king size bed at home and so they just don't fit together in this new bed. Dad is sleeping quite well, thank you, but Mom is definitely not. She just got up at 6:15 am made a beeline straight for the Tylenol...because she's in pain...because she's sleeping on a blow-up mattress.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Last night, she and I had a talk about the possibility of them moving into assisted living. We sat on the deck in the lovely weather last night and discussed their future. She was really fine with it and I assured her that wherever it is has to be good enough for me in order for it to be good enough for them. Well, this morning she woke up and said: "How are we going to afford assisted living? Because I'm worried about how much we can afford because your Dad won't be happy unless it's a nice place." I talked her down off the ledge and ASSURED her that Hubby and I are working on those details and she shouldn't worry at all about it. I didn't lie to her, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I too worry about those things.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I already feel bad that I ripped them out of their house and dragged them up here. OK, that's overly dramatic, but sometimes it feels that way. The transition has been challenging, to say the least. I know it was for their own good, but try keeping someone at your house when they don't want to be there. Not easy and not fun.

The only thing that made me feel a tad bit better was that Mom said she's MUCH more relaxed now that she's living with us and the blood pressure reading at her last doctor's appointment was STELLAR. Phew.

Oh but I feel guilty when I sneak out and have a fun night out with Hubby or my friends. I feel badly that I didn't provide an equally fun night for my parents.

I know, I know, I shouldn't feel guilty. But this is someone's life we're working with here. Actually, TWO people's lives. And, their "sunset" years, to boot. I feel a tremendous responsibility to "do the right thing." I have a very small window in which to give them comfort, love and happiness and I honestly feel like I'm woefully short. Mom is so easily placated that I often feel like I take advantage of her overly flexible demeanor.

On any given day, I feel badly about five or six things as they relate to my parents: unhealthy food, lack of exercise, lack of stimulation, not providing them with a closet because I'm too lazy to empty out the guest room closet, not sitting and talking with them enough, allowing the TV to be their babysitter.....

Guilt, guilt, guilt.