Pity party

Yesterday was rough...for many reasons. Partially because it was the first day of the holiday weekend and I couldn't do what I wanted...even though I probably wouldn't have done anything differently. It's all about perception. I think I'm trapped, but I'm not. Not really. I can do virtually everything I could before. I just have to plan a little better. Truly not the end of the world.

But sometimes I feel like having a tiny little pity party. I feel sorry for my self...for no damn good reason. This is where the words of my father echo in my head:

QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING.

Anyway, at one point, Hubby and I went out for ride. We checked out a potential housing "option" which turned out not to be an option. Suddenly, I felt like everything was caving in on me. Here's almost everything going on in my brain during my mini freak out session:

• I don't understand our health care system.
• I feel ill-equipped to care for my parents.
• I want my house back.
• I'm in SUCH a pissy mood.
• How are we EVER going to do this?
• Are we doing anything right?
• How does everybody else do this?
• What are we going to do about ________ (fill in blank.)?

And then I lost it. I took it out on Hubby, who has been STELLAR during this entire process. But I completely lost it. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  OK, I admit it, I did cry.

Then I realized that dinner wasn't going to make itself, so I went to the grocery store, bought some food and made a kick-ass dinner. (I made fish, people...no, not fish people.)

And then I felt better. Absolutely nothing was figured out, but I was done with my pity party.

Sometime in the middle of my freakout, Dad and I had a confrontation. I realized that he had been sitting in the library, doing NOTHING, for about 8 hours and this pissed me off. I told him that he needed to go do his PT exercises. He said he did them already. I told him he needed to do them twice a day. He balked. I didn't budge. I told him that he'd lose use of his legs if he didn't exercise a little.

We both dug our heels in and then I did the meanest thing ever to him: I TURNED OFF THE TV. He literally cried out in exasperation. He shuffled out with Mom to do the exercises and then Mom came out and explained to hubby that if we turn off the TV, they don't know how to turn it back on. Hubby was more sensitive to their "plight." I told him that I was happy to turn it back on after the exercises...which I did...

...and then Dad went to bed AT 7PM.

*Cut to me burying my face in my hands.

But this brings up something that I'm REALLY worried about: Dad isn't moving or interacting nearly enough.  He's bored and so he sleeps...ALL DAY LONG.

As tough as I can be on him, I feel powerless to really make him do the things he NEEDS to do.

And now, just saying that, I want to start another pity party.

Balloons anyone?